Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize