i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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