im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
