Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
