Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize