I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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