I could have mohawked her pubes.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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