HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
A+ Viking dick
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
