I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
