Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
