i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
