Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
