Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
