Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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