I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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