Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
What a dumb baby whore.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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