hotel room ftw
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i will never coherently bang her
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
