in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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