I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
