Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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