i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hippo gnu deer
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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