I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
