i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
