If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
