why do cheetos always look like penises
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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