im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize