Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
