It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
