I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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