I met the friendliest cop last night
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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