I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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