And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am one with the molecules
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
