So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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