new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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