I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
