Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize