I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
