I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
