She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ketchup is God's man juice
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Randomize
