Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
