the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
