she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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