Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
