i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
