u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
