need another drink. this is the easiest way
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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