Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize