How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
