Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
