Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
