If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
