I need to stop coming to work sober
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
