I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
