Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
