Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
