I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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