rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
