My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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