my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How does one acquire holy water?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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