I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
