The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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