i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
