Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
