and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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