i love accidental penises.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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