Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
