Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
